the power of C

I've only been off the cigs for a week now and i'm already up a cup size.

Who knew this would be a side-effect? That's what the tobacco companies are hiding. Stunts your growth. Ha! They're clearly in league with the breast-pumping plastic surgeons of the world. Look younger, have better skin, breath and teeth AND get bigger tits, all without spending a dime.

I know, I know. I found it hard to believe myself. But i've had it confirmed by numerous third parties.

The girls at work, for example, a vicious, nosy lot. The two ladies were worrying that their own breasts were getting bigger. Last month they were only Ds and this month E's. Is it something in the water? They could each think of two or three friends with the same problem. Soon the whole world would be natural FFs. (Obviously, i didn't have too much to contribute at this point, so i just nodded sympathetically.)

Then on to something else, travel or babies or something. And then the one girl, the new one, looks at me with narrowed eyes and says, 'So. What size are you?'

'Me?' I said, all flustered. I've never been asked my cup size by someone who hasn't already seen me in my underwear.

'Ummm, B34.' As it has been, as it ever shall be.

'Beeeee?' they squealed in disgust, looking at me like i'd just said my method of birth control was jumping up and down.

'I don't think so, honey. You're a C if there ever was one'.

Could it be? A 'C'?

So off I went to Frasers and tried on every brand of B34 they had in the shop. And it's true. Not a single one fit. Like the ugly sisters squeezing bunions into an uncomfortable glass slipper.

'How're you getting on, then?' the girl's calling in the door. 'Terrible!' I sing back. 'Not a single one fits!' Ha Ha.

How exciting! Though, there have been a few other natural upsets to my world: at 28 my hair went curly, at 25 I grew an inch in height (doctor confirmed) and at 16 grew a brand new permanent tooth (an eye tooth, filling in a year-long gap left by a latent baby tooth).

What's next? Shockingly big biceps? Plump Angelina Jolie lips? Or - please God - a forehead?

Perhaps i'm becoming an Amazon, or some kind of mutant Superhero. Oh, i can't wait til my secret powers reveal themselves. Finally, my dream of becoming a dangerous and impossibly sexy vigilante with a punchy manifesto is within my grasp.

Mwaaa, haaa, haaa, haaaa!

(on the other hand, i have nothing to wear now, because i ran out of the store cackling without buying any Cs)